One year ago

For the past week or so, anytime I have had some quiet time to myself my thoughts have drifted to one year ago.  And today I haven't been able to stop thinking about one year ago today.  The day before the three of us became four.  And I still remember vividly some of my thoughts and feelings.  And I can't help but write those down.

I remember being so excited when I went in for my weekly appointment and the doctor told me I was at a 3 and he would induce me whenever.  I chose the next morning because I was very tired of being pregnant and I wanted to make sure that I would miss Parent-teacher conferences.  I quickly texted my school friends to let them know that the sub should be showing up the next morning.  And I called my mom to start making arrangements for her to fly up that night to help with Laney.  And I called my sister because I needed her to tell me again that I would love Allie as much as I loved Laney.

And then the panic set in.  Because I realized I needed to finish grading test so that I could finish updating grades so that I could print out progress reports for those parent teacher conferences that I was going to be missing.  And luckily Danielle, my friend through school, the neighborhood, and the ward, showed up at my door to take Laney away so I could finish all that stuff.  And when I needed a ride to the school because Erich had my car, she drove me down there and watched Laney while I ran inside and finished up some last minute stuff.

And then reality set in.  The fact that I would be going through labor and delivery and recovery in just a few short hours finally hit me.  And I wanted to cry, but I didn't.  

And then fear and worry set in.  As I cuddled my sweet baby and kissed her good-night, I worried that I was ruining her life.  I worried that she would panic the next morning when she woke up and I was gone.  And that she would be mad that the next time I saw her I would likely be holding another baby.  And that would be hard on my little girl who wasn't even in 18 months old herself.  And I feared that the love wouldn't be the same for the new little one.  That I wouldn't love her the same or as much or as instantaneously as I did Laney.  And I did cry about all of this.

And before I knew it it was 11pm and my mom was with us.  And I needed to go to sleep because I had to get up and get ready and be at the hospital by 6:30 am the next morning.  And I tried to sleep.  But I didn't sleep very well because of the excitement and panic and fear and worry.  And before I knew it, it was morning, I was exhausted but I was going to meet my sweet Allie Jane.