This concept has been consuming me for the past month or so. Ever since I was a little girl I thought I would grow up, get married, have babies, and stay home to be a mom for the rest of my life. Well three and a half years ago I married Erich; 9 months ago I gave birth to Laney; and 5 months ago I went back to my job as a math teacher at a nearby junior high. It wasn't necessarily what I had dreamed of but it was a decision that Erich and I felt was best for our family. But ever since then I have wondered was this really what I wanted. There are pros and cons to this decision.
For example, Laney spends every morning with her dad. He adores her and is great at caring for her. I know that they will always have a great relationship because of it.
Another thing, we are able to still have great health insurance because of it. Since Erich is self-employed, my working enables us to keep our health insurance and hopefully one day have more babies at a very cheap price.
Plus, I really do love my job. Junior high kids are crazy. They are going through one of the strangest times of their lives and I like to think I help them through it. I like to see my students when the math finally makes sense to them. (yes, I am a math nerd.) I like to be a part of their lives. (Plus I think I am pretty decent at it.)
But I am a woman. Isn't it my job to be at home raising my child? Isn't that my role in life? Am I wrong to go to work? And am I wrong to enjoy my job, regardless?
And in 13 years when Laney becomes a teenager and possibly an emotional one, will she wonder why I left her everyday to go hang out with 80 smelly, sometimes rude junior high kids? Will she think I loved her any less? Will she know that when I have to go back to work after a long vacation or when she is sick, that I cry when I put her in bed and that I cry when I get in the car to drive?
So that is my story. That is my daily battle. I am not looking for people to tell me it is okay to go to work. And I am really not looking for people to tell me that it is wrong that I go to work. I am just typing this to help myself hopefully get over this struggle. And so that maybe one day down the road if Laney questions this decision, I will have something to show her. So that maybe she will know that it was the hardest decision of my life. and still is.
Saturday, January 20, 2007
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2 comments:
welcome to the blog world. i think anyone who has worked and been a mother can relate to your feelings.
Mandy, I wish I had your option. It would be hard, but it's awesome that you have something you're good and passionate at and can make a difference to your family's income. You are helping out your family, the kids at school, and teaching your daughter the importance of hard work. Plus she gets great bonding time with Daddy, and no one can feel guilty about that. You are an amazing mom, and I promise she's never going to ask you why you went to work to provide health insurance for her! P.S. love the blog keep it up!
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